Difficult conversation guide
Grief and condolences10 min readIncludes copy-ready scriptsWhat to say to someone who is grieving
By Sonam Patel · Updated
Most people stay silent after a death because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But a short, honest message almost always lands better than no message at all. These words work whether you are writing a text, a card, or a note to a coworker, and whether you knew the person who died well or not at all.
The short answer
The best thing to say to someone who is grieving is simple: that you are sorry, that you are thinking of them, and that you are there. You do not need to explain the loss, fix it, or find a silver lining. A few plain sentences are enough.
A version that works is: I am so sorry about your dad. I am thinking of you and your family. You do not need to reply, but I am here if you want company or help with anything.
If you knew the person who died, use their name. If you can offer one specific thing, such as a call on Sunday or dinner dropped off on Thursday, that is worth more than a vague offer to help with anything. And if the loss is tied to a festival, Diwali message for someone who lost a loved one covers that case in more detail.
- Say you are sorry, in plain words.
- Name the person who died, if you knew them.
- Offer one specific thing, not a vague offer.
- Say no need to reply, so the message is not a task.
- Keep it short, and skip advice and explanations.
What to text when you hear the news
In the first hours and days, people are overwhelmed. They are fielding calls, making arrangements, and often running on very little sleep. Your message does not need to be long, and it does not need to be perfect. It needs to arrive.
If you are texting right away
A first text is just a signal that you know and that you care. Leave the big, thoughtful message for later.
- I just heard about your mom. I am so sorry. I am thinking of you.
- I am so sorry about Rahul. I do not have the right words, but I wanted you to know I am here.
- Heartbroken to hear about your dad. Thinking of you and your family. No need to reply.
If you want to offer help
Practical help is often the kindest part of a message, as long as it is specific. People who are grieving rarely have the energy to tell you what they need.
- I am so sorry. I am going to drop some food at your door on Thursday evening. You do not need to answer or be home.
- I am sorry about your grandmother. I can pick up your kids from school this week, just tell me which days.
- Thinking of you. I will call on Sunday morning. Pick up if you feel like it, and if not, that is completely fine.
For a close friend
With a close friend, you can be warmer and more personal. Say what you feel, share a memory if you have one, and make clear that you are not going anywhere.
- I love you, and I am so sorry. I am here for whatever you need, whenever you need it.
- I keep thinking about how much your mom adored you. I am so sorry she is gone.
- You do not have to be okay right now. You do not have to talk. I will just sit with you if that is what you need.
- I am coming over on Saturday with dinner. You do not have to host me, and you do not have to talk.
- I loved your dad too. I am going to miss him, and I am here for you through all of it.
For someone who lost a parent
Losing a mother or father changes the shape of a person's whole life, at any age. Name the parent if you knew them, and if you have a small memory of them, share it. People often say that hearing a specific story about their mom or dad meant more than any condolence.
Remember that the hard days come later too: the first Mother's Day or Father's Day, the parent's birthday, and festivals the family used to spend together. A short message on those days shows you have not forgotten.
- I am so sorry about your mom. I will always remember how she made everyone feel welcome. Thinking of you.
- I just heard about your dad. I am so sorry. He was so proud of you, and it showed every time he talked about you.
- There is no age when losing a parent is easy. I am here, today and in the months ahead.
- Thinking of you on your first Mother's Day without her. No need to reply, I just wanted you to know I remember.
- Your dad's birthday is coming up, and I know it will be hard. If you want to talk about him, I would love to hear your stories.
For a coworker: what to say professionally
With a coworker, a neighbor, or an acquaintance, keep it warm and brief. Respect their privacy, and make it easy for them to take the time they need without worrying about work.
- I was so sorry to hear about your father. Thinking of you and your family.
- Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother. Take all the time you need, and do not worry about work.
- I am so sorry for your loss. If there is anything I can cover while you are away, just say the word.
- Thinking of you this week. No need to reply to this.
- On behalf of the team, we are so sorry for your loss. We are all thinking of you.
When you did not know the person who died
You can still write. Your message is about the person who is grieving, not about the one who died. Be honest that you did not know them, and focus on the person you do know.
- I never had the chance to meet your brother, but I am so sorry. I know how much he meant to you.
- I did not know your grandfather, but I know how close you were. I am thinking of you.
- I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had known her, but I have seen how much you loved her.
- I am sorry. Whenever you want to tell me about him, I would love to listen.
Checking in weeks or months later
This is the message most people never send, and it is often the one that matters most. After the first week, the calls and the food stop, and the grief carries on. A check-in a month or three months later tells someone that they have not been forgotten.
- I have been thinking about you and your mom a lot lately. How are you doing, really? No pressure to answer.
- It has been a month, and I wanted you to know I have not forgotten. I am still here.
- Thinking of you today. No need to reply, I just wanted you to know.
- I know the first weeks are full of people, and then it gets quieter. I am still here, and I would love to see you.
- I was thinking of your dad today, and I smiled at the memory of him laughing. I hope you are okay.
Festivals, birthdays and anniversaries
Certain days hurt more than others: the first birthday, the first festival, the anniversary of the death. A short message on or just before one of those days often means more than anything sent in the first week.
For festival season, see the guide to a Diwali message for someone who lost a loved one. Festivals can also be hardest for a particular loss: Bhai Dooj messages for someone who lost a brother covers the day when siblings usually come together. Customs differ between regions, communities and families, and many families do not celebrate in the year of mourning, so take your lead from them.
Birthdays and anniversaries of the death
You do not need to wait to be told that the day is hard. If you remember it, say so.
- Thinking of you today, on what would have been your dad's birthday. I hope you are being gentle with yourself.
- I know today is the anniversary. I am thinking of you and of her.
- I remembered that today is hard. No need to answer, but I am here if you want to talk or just sit.
Other first times
The first holiday, wedding, graduation or family gathering without someone can bring the loss back suddenly.
- I know this first holiday without him is going to feel strange. I am thinking of you.
- Today would have been a big day for her to see. I am thinking of you, and of her.
What not to say
Most hurtful condolences are not unkind on purpose. They are attempts to make the pain smaller, said by people who do not know what else to say. The problem is that they ask the grieving person to feel better.
- Avoid: Everything happens for a reason.
- Avoid: They are in a better place.
- Avoid: I know exactly how you feel.
- Avoid: At least they lived a long life, or at least they are not suffering.
- Avoid: You need to be strong, or you need to move on.
- Avoid: Let me know if you need anything, with nothing specific attached.
- Better: I am so sorry. I am thinking of you, and I am here.
Example wording
I just heard about your dad. I am so sorry. Thinking of you and your family, and no need to reply.
I am so sorry about your mom. I keep thinking about how she always asked about everyone before herself. I am coming by on Saturday with dinner. You do not have to talk or host me. I will just be there.
Hi Priya, I was so sorry to hear about your father. Please take all the time you need. Mark and I have your projects covered this week, so there is nothing to worry about. Thinking of you.
I never got to meet your brother, but I know how much he meant to you. I am so sorry. Whenever you feel like telling me about him, I would love to hear.
Hi, I have been thinking about you. It has been a couple of months and I wanted you to know I have not forgotten. How are you doing, really? No pressure to answer. Coffee is on me whenever you want it.
I know today is the anniversary of losing your dad. I am thinking of you and of him. I hope you have people around you today, and if you would like one more, call me.
FAQ
What do you say to someone who is grieving over text?
Say that you are sorry, mention the person by name if you knew them, and say you are thinking of them. Add no need to reply so the message does not feel like a task. A short, sincere text is better than a long, carefully worded one, and far better than silence.
Is it okay to text instead of calling?
Yes. Many people who are grieving prefer a text, because it asks nothing of them and they can read it when they are ready. A call can follow later, ideally one you have mentioned in advance so they are not caught off guard.
What if I do not know what to say?
Then say that. I do not have the right words, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you is a good message, because it is honest. People rarely remember the exact words. They remember who showed up.
Should I mention the person who died by name?
If you knew them, usually yes. Many people who are grieving find it comforting when others say the name of the person they lost, because it shows they have not been forgotten. If you did not know them, refer to them as your mom, your brother, or whatever their relationship was.
What if they do not reply?
Do not take it personally. People who are grieving often read messages without having the energy to answer. Writing no need to reply in your message takes that pressure off, and your message still counts even if it goes unanswered.
How long after a death is it okay to reach out?
There is no deadline. Even if weeks or months have passed, a message that says I have been thinking of you is usually welcome. Late is almost always better than never, and a short note about why you are only now writing is optional.
What should I say to a coworker who is grieving?
Keep it short and warm: that you are sorry, that they should take the time they need, and that you will help with their work if that is useful. Avoid asking about the cause or the circumstances. Let them decide how much to share.
Find the right words when it matters most
DraftBetter can help you write a gentle message to someone who is grieving, in your own words, and show how it is likely to land before you send it.